Aftermath of Decisions Made

After all of the shit that I've had to deal with this past week which inspired me to write my previous blog. As I'm writing this, I'm listening to Machine Gun Kelly's "All Night Long." All I can think about are the first four words in the song: "don't think, just go." So I'm gonna take that to heart, no more thinking, just going. A good friend of mine, Michael betrayed me. He knew how I felt about Alana, but still went for it anyway, basically said "fuck Burnards feelings." He's been through a lot in his life, he recently got out of the hospital, he had a double lung transplant. I considered him my white brother, but those days are done. We did a podcast together, but those days are done. I still find this entire situation to be funny that all of this happens a week before Captain America; Civil War comes out. Because at this point, it is friend vs. friend, brother vs. brother. This is someone who I literally would've (and volunteered) to give a lung to (he has/had cystic fibrosis)! and this is how you do me? I wasn't able to eat for a week, I was waking up in pools of sweat, I started drinking again, not heavily, but I was trying to stop. In the sad thing is: I introduced them! Me & Alana went to go see Michael when he was in the hospital when she came into town. He told me that she was flirting with him in his inbox. But instead of being a GOOD FRIEND and saying "I appreciate it, but i know how my friend feels about you, I'm going to pass." The asshole just went for it! I swear if I could be a time machine, I would've never went up to that hospital. He didn't even want up to come because her two year old son was with us, because of germs. But we went anyway, because she was leaving that night. I'm starting to ramble, BUT THIS IS THE SAME GUY WHO FUCKING TOLD ME TO GO FOR IT WHEN I  WAS HESITANT ABOUT IT BECAUSE OF THE DAMN DISTANCE. But as he said: "distance has never stopped you before." Some friend right? So after they met, I don't know who sent who a friend request on Facebook, but that happened, then they started following each other on Twitter. I'm very good at noticing shit, So I started piecing the pieces together on Wednesday when she wrote that she was going to Megacon in Orlando! She lives in Colorado. So I started piecing all of this shit together. So here we are a week later, he still hasn't apologized to me, I doubt that he ever will, so our friendship is going to end tonight. Because I CANNOT have backstabbing individuals in my life. I have had too much pain and strife in my life to be dealing with this shit. But at the end of the tunnel, there is a light, I have used to anger and pain to start writing again, and it's also given me the kick in the ass in that I needed to get my shit together. I've finally decided to go to the Army or the Air Force. I'm going so they can help me pay for my schooling. I refuse to be like some people and just sit on my ass and betray my friends. So the next chapter in my life is starting due to the betrayal of someone who I thought was a good friend. I can't be in Florida all of my life, I need to do better, I need to be better. I've gotten too comfortable with just sitting here. But I'm thinking about life now, all the things I used to talk about with Alana will have to be focused on someone else. It's about time for me to get a career (long past time actually,) meet a nice girl who shares the same interest as me, get married, start a family. I want my happy family and happy life. I"m coming for everything that they said I couldn't have and more!

It's been a long time/2016 relationships and the aftermath of not burning bridges

It's been awhile since I've written a blog, but let's go for it while I have heartache and rage to fuel me. I'm still single. I was/am interested in someone who lives in Colorado, although I live in Florida, I believed that we could've made it happen. The names and states in this story have been altered by the way. I was talking to this girl I met on twitter named Alana for the past year and a half, Alana lives in Colorado while I live in Florida. We would talk everyday about anything, comics, sci-fi, anime, video games, etc... One day we finally decided to exchange numbers and we TALKED EVERY SINGLE DAY. It was the best thing ever! I was letting my emotional walls down, and that is a EXTREMELY hard thing for me to do. This girl was embedded into my heart, my brain. We connected on a mental level. Then one day I want to say sometime last November, I tell Alana about a comic book convention that I go to every year in Miami, she says, "I'll come out there and go with you." I was ecstatic, I'm finally meeting the girl of my dreams, this is really happening! Unfortunately, she had to cancel because of work related issues. I was devastated, but fate just decided that it wasn't our time. Jump forward to February, she tells me that she's going on spring break in a few weeks and was deciding where to go that had a beach, so I recommended that she come to the Sunshine State! She says yes. So she comes into town with her kids, and we have fun. and while she's here, I'm realizing that I'm happy, I'm genuinely happy. I haven't felt joy like this in a long time! Segway that leads further into the story: I don't like burning bridges with certain people because they've been a part of my life for a long time, and I can talk to them about anything. Back to the story, we go to the zoo and we have so much fun. She feeds the Giraffes (Her favorite animal) and starts to cry, I feel my heart melt even further. In the back of my brain I'm thinking "I've officially fallen in love." I receive a call later that evening from a friend who's also an ex (don't like burning bridges remember) she asks me: "how was your date?" I say "it was okay, but I'm not sure it was a date." she asks me 1,000 questions about Alana, then I say, "Clara, enough with the questions, I'm happy, can't you just be happy for me? Shit" She tells me that she is happy for me, but I can tell from the tone in her voice, that there's some slight resentment. The next day we go the the Florida Everglades, and we go on an air boat ride, and see a few more animals. After all's said in done we go and visit my friend in the hospital. we sit there and talk to him for about an hour of so, I'm asking him when he's supposed to be leaving because he's been in there for a month (he got out a few days later.) We go back to my house and get ready to wrap things up because it's her last night in town. I get a call from Clara asking if I had sex with Alana, I tell Clara: "not that it's any of your fucking business who I have sex with, but NO!" I hang up the phone and put it on silent. Alana falls asleep because she's leaving at 5AM. So me and her oldest son Sam are up talking about comic books, and movies, etc. Eventually I go to bed because I also have to get up to see her off. she leaves and I'm sad because she's gone. I go on Facebook later that evening and write "Bummed out because the special girl is gone." Clara takes it upon herself to write "should've got it in when you could." This stupid little comment pissed Alana off so much that our "relationship" took a huge step back! We barely talk anymore because she assumes that I was going to get back with my ex as soon as she left, she changed her number so now I can't even call or text her to say good morning to her anymore. This was last month and ever since then I've been numb. I went a a date and kept calling the girl "Alana." Needless to say, there will not be a second date. I've pretty much severed all ties with Clara, We don't hang out anymore, I've deleted her from my Facebook, We barely talk anymore, and when we do, I bring up that sideways shit every time. I can't talk to her about certain things in my life anymore. Alana did something that really hurt me recently, and I found out about it today. I don't want to get into that right now because it's still fresh and it's what gave me the motivation to write this blog. I really don't know what else to say besides I'm heartbroken, sad, and, and feel betrayed. Now Alana only wants to be "just friends." I said that I wasn't going to drink this this year, but that's pretty much down the drain at this point! Do you guys feel as if I should give up or keep trying?